Hi dad, I've been thinking lately and I've got a few ideas that I've hesitated to run past you, not sure of the logistics... but now I think I have a plan devised that would improve our living situation, if you would be patient and open minded to the possibility.

You have said that you're considering moving into the apartment that me and Evan share now when he and I leave. You prefer our apartment to yours and would like a place where we would feel comfortable visiting. I personally believe that I would be happier if you would move in with him now and allow me to get my own, cheaper apartment. I am having an extremely hard time monetarily and I am growing more and more dispassionate. There are many issues with the way I am currently living my life.

I need my own space, I'm not particularly happy living in the same apartment as my boyfriend. I would prefer to find a place I could sublease for 300 dollars or less monthly, to get a job to support myself, and to not feel like it is my responsibility to help keep you and Evan afloat. Your bills would be substantially reduced if you moved in with Evan and only had to pay rent on one apartment. You could also combine internet and cable services and only have one bill in that area to deal with.

I am a 19 year old girl, and reducing stress in my life is clearly extremely important. Money is stressing me out a great deal right now. You are not currently on a lease at your residence and so you could move into the other apartment with relative ease, though I am aware there would be some complications, I think that these would be manageable.

And I don't want to hear that you are going to have money soon; its not that I don't trust that you will be ok, its that I know that it isn't a good idea for me to depend on your potential financial success. I need to take care of myself.

You and Evan basically already live together as it stands. And I basically already don't live there. I barely have any belongings that I would have to move out. I need to get a job, very badly, so I will be doing this regardless of what happens, but I would be in a much better situation if I had less to worry about in terms of bills and rent. I would like you to seriously consider this. I need you and Evan to understand that, while your situation would be temporary because Evan is leaving for college very soon, my situation is not. I am expected to stay on in this city as a student for the next two or three years. I need to find a way to be comfortable and happy here. I need to make sure my credit isn't being ruined, I need to make sure I keep my GPA up, and I need to find ways to be happier, saner, and more comfortable.

Exercise is clearly not the solution to all of my problems. I've bounced back and forth between different exercise routines all semester. Exercising makes me feel more attractive but it doesn't make me happier. It doesn't make my life improve logistically.

Its nearly April now, I have a really hefty workload on my hands for the next week. I need to acquire a job, do probably 40-50 hours or more of focused work, and work on my application to studying abroad in Israel. I also need to find a better living situation. I need to try to make the most of my life, right now, and the way you can help me is by asking me to sacrifice less, and by sacrificing more yourself. Be there for my brother, and let me be here for myself.

I'd like to hear your ideas. Thanks Dad.

Its awkward feeling estranged from a previous incarnation of myself. Let alone all previous incarnations of myself. Who was I in this picture of me on the grass? I was uncomfortable then, about physical things. I was extremely stubborn and I was fighting everyone who expected me to fail. That was my purpose. I was going to parties to prove that I could do everything - be a scientist with secure values and a wild table-top dancing improv singer on the weekends. I was telling myself that even if I didn't like it, I loved it. I had to. It was my lesson.

Now that I know that no one really expects me to fail, and the people who do are people I'm not concerned with, I'm fighting only one person, and she is a neon red haired idealistic nihilistic contradiction. I'm fighting the urge to return to the indecisive ways of my lazy years as an irresponsible experience junkie. I'm so full of dreams, and then a moment later I'm asking myself "what for?"

And so what? Isn't everybody? I was in a coffee shop the other day and I got into an argument with a hindu polysci major and a recently graduated philosophy major. Here was I, as usual, trying to argue the infallible scientific perspective. But, really, what do I know? And its not infallible - nothing is. I was arguing against "the absolute good", trying to figure out how others approach this concept of infinity. Of all the things I've questioned in my life, of all the bandwagons I've hopped on and been emotionally entangled in, it had never occured to me when I was younger to question science, in the same way that some people always find a sturdy foundation in the idea of god. Science is my god. Philosophy wasn't for me, politics are impossible, I can't ever seem to take a serious stand on anything because I'm trying to attack all issues from every side, and I'm not ready to declare that I understand a "greater good" that I don't even believe in - the only thing left for me is complete and utter selfishness, a belief in my own worth - a worth supplemented by knowledge, and the easiest hard work I can imagine: The physical sciences. Is it the illusion of progress? Can I really take pride in my knowledge?

I know almost nothing. So close to nothing its embarrassing. I was sitting in my Electrostatics lecture, staring dumbfoundedly at an integration that was meant to explain how you can represent charge per unit length by superficially giving it dimensionality. A kid next to me had all the answers - he knew exactly what was going on. He thought my questions were unbelievably stupid. After class, he showed me a basic proof: that .99999999infinitely repeating is 1.

x = .999999infinite9's

10x = 9.999999999infinite9's

10x - x = 9 = 9x

x = 1

x is confused.

Its nifty. Its like a cool card trick. So he gave me a little bit of something.

I found out later that he's a junior in highschool in 5000 level math. He took calculus the summer after middle school. This sixteen year old kid was talking down at me, and had every right to. And I know that when I was sixteen, I was talking down at people twice my age because they weren't grasping philosophical concepts to my liking. I guess he put me in my place.

This kid wasn't even just mathematically intelligent - I could tell by looking at him that he assessed a lot about a social climate very quickly. He knew I was a cocky bastard. He was skeptical. He was right. I lead because I'm louder than the rest, half the time. He won, if there was a competition, and I became a cute joke in the situation - made obviously insecure by the disparity between his knowledge and mine.

Ultimately I take things like that as motivation. I want to know him better - I want to know if he's really so great, or if I've just put him on a pedestal. And if he is so great, I should look up to him. And even if he is, it doesn't change anything - except that I should work harder, because struggling with the question of "what for?" is just an excuse that keeps me from my self proclaimed potential. I still want to cure cancer and find the secret to personal flight (i.e. humans with bionic wings.).

And heres a tangent for you.

Infinite Loops.

Now, if I were to assess what is "right" by what feels right to me (the selfish approach, but it only serves to dictate my own actions)-

I believe, and therefore make it true, that the times when I feel best are times spent in good conversation, and time spent solving a problem or making a new connection to an idea. I spent hours the other day learning integration by parts, seeing these problems that initially challenged me unravel at the tip of my pen. It was invigorating. I read a conceptual scenario in my physics book, about the question of whether or not, 1 billion years ago, there could have been a 1 part per billion disparity in the charge between electrons and protons. I was fascinated by the implications. I was proud of my ability to figure out what those implications were before reading the solution. It means I am learning; I can clock my progress.



Now - a brief explanation of a phenomenon that suprises me, and makes me most unrecognisable to my previous selves.

I love a few people in the world. I can love them from a distance forever. I don't need them to love me in return. In the same light, I don't love them because I want posession of their bodies or minds. This emotion that I have deemed love is a feeling of immense respect for their capabilities.

I used to desire to be held, to desire sexual affection, to desire devotion. I won't say these desires are gone, or that these things are not enjoyable. But they are not as enjoyable as the feeling I get when I'm alone with myself and a problem I must solve.

ultimately my lack of need for those that I love is most likely a matter of placation and ignorance. I get my social fix in coffee shops and online, in study groups and in class. And because my ideals are such that a conventional expression of love would only get in my way, and I am ignorant of any existing model which even begins to live up to my desires, I am free to put such things on a distant backburner.

So then...

What keeps me out of nihility and safely optimistic, most of the time, is that I'm watching myself improve, under what I consider my own guidance, and if not entirely my own guidance, still entirely my own responsibility - I make good choices everyday, choices that engage my passion for life. I've determined that there are a few positive directions I can go; one of them is tangible and quantitative and determined by my academic major, and the other is determined by every endeavor to pursue knowledge that I undertake.

January 23rd, 2007, this is what I had to say for myself.

By no means all I could have said, for the record, future me.

I... wow. So much happened.
Does anyone know me well enough to remind me what life was like *before* I went to Israel?
I feel so disconnected from Minneapolis after just 10 days there that I worry I might have been very carefully brainwashed.

I'm not going to lie... I love Israel, in a completely unreligious, "I dont give a rats ass about Jerusalem" kind of way.

It was the Jews. They won my heart.
And somehow back in Minneapolis, with classes in less than 16 hours, with bullshit from an apartment I should never have "rented" to deal with, with a bedroom wet with painted walls too thin to offer me the solitude I so crave, I feel like an imposter. I feel astranged.

I am exhausted.

I have so many stories, but what I really need is a few days of re-acquainting myself with my real life, my scientific ambitions, and sleep.

I had an amazing trip but it was such a different world that it threatens the foundations of the choices I've made in the cozy little nook I have in MinnehSowta.

Ahh, the romance of joining a kibuttz on a mountain in israel, living like a communist with nothing but fieldwork and books... learning to use a gun, to work the land, writing and studying, making sweet love to hot israeli men... that, I fear, would somehow be the easiest hard work I could possibly do, something so close to my heart and my childhood ambitions.

the true spell of Israel is just that it loved me so damn much. It was impressed by me, sexually attracted to me, yearning for my knowledge and ability (yes, to fight a religious war, hoody hoo.) it was ... friends that I am closer to after 10 days than those I've known for years. I swear the entire trip was one love-spell after another, minus my constant discomfort in the presense of so much religion. It knew my weakness: I just want to be loved. Nay, worshipped. But I am an excellent worshipper as well. I have a clan mentality that threatens to turn me into a little gun-toting GIjane, choosing my family as I go along and having orgy-esque bouts of peace.

With open arms, they promised me the community I fail to develop here in the U.S., a community that doesn't really exist here. And its nothing but a fantasy, and I'd truly be no more than another body fighting a war I only somewhat agree with in a country whose people I would grow angry and weary with after too many years of scripturesque songs and "god this" "god that".

But what a beautiful place... amazing hikes, so many trees to climb, so many new minds to probe, so much... life.

"And just to lay with you theres nothing that I wouldn't do
Save lay my rifle down..."

Everyone in Israel joins the army at 18.
There are armed youngsters everywhere you go... 18-35 demographic toting WWII rifles and gangster pistols.

After 2 years they work, travel, and go to school. They grow up slowly, but deliberately.
Maybe thats why I got along so well with those kids...
They take things seriously, and in the US, what is there to take seriously, really? Problems are so isolated, so materialistic, so... Dollar-centric. Kids don't think about real issues unless its poetically phrased in one of their favorite songs and in that case, its just a passing infatuation with clever alliteration. (I should know.)

In Israel, you think about life and death. You were in that city when it was bombed. Your windows came crashing down around you. You missed school because you were fleeing to a refugee camp. You had 300 messages on your phone from various people who needed to know you were ok, immediately. You cry at every war movie. You feel pride in your ____ness. You are living romance. Passion. Conversations are passionate. Sex is passionate. Dancing is passionate. Learning is passionate. The sunrise is passionate. You've held a gun with one thought in mind; "I hope to god I never have to use it." You walk down the street in a pushing and shoving manner, and yet you stop for every flat tire, if someone yells "fire" you're a fireman. If someone yells "help" its your life for theirs. Maybe because you are trained with a careful bias; you love all who identify as Jews.


They asked us how we identify. "Jewish American" or "American Jew".
Neither. What the hell is an American? What the hell is a Jew?

They told us that though Jew's are a very small minority in the make-up of the world, they are a large percentage of nobel-prize winners.
Are you trying to tell me we are racially superior? Is THAT your response to being descriminated? You're not worse, you're superior?

Sometimes, I was horrified by the national socialist indoctrination.
Hello nazi's of psychological warfare.

The kids are progressive, intelligent, educated.
But you can't, it would seem, take the "god" out of "Judaism", even if they accept me as a non-religious Jew. Israel is a religious nation and its people are a religious people.

Unfortunately I believe it will be their downfall.
Supposedly Napolean said of the Jews, "A people who study their history so intensively are a people whose history will never repeat its self."

I say, a people so stuck in the past will ignore issues like their heavily polluted cities, their violently disillusioned youth, their outdated tactics...

And then there are those who believe that the world will be nothing but chaos in a matter of 30 years between religious wars, pollution, climate change, annhialation of speciation, alien overseers who are sick of us fucking up all the time, etc.

I am the Messiah! And so are you, and you, and you...

Yep. And somewhat drunk. Yeah I know I never drink, but here I am. Its cute, I can see why people like it. I reserve it for vacations.

More later!

This is the first time in a long, long while that I've felt like locking myself in my closet.

and I don't totally get it... Life is good, I had a really good new years, I have all these big funtastic plans, going to Israel tomorrow...

Israel. At this time of year. Tomorrow, even. Soooo many things feel soooo wrong about that... so maybe the chances of getting hit by a bomb are low... but I feel so apprehensive, I just have this terrible feeling about it! So terrible that I'm having thoughts like "I'd rather just skip the trip than go bathingsuit shopping or end up the only one not swimming"... ?? My mind will find any ridiculous excuse...

I don't trust my own government. I certaintly don't trust theirs. We are going to be in their hands. I haven't been excited about this trip like I am about everything else in my life. A big part of me wants to just stay home and sleep these last two weeks before I go back to class. Sleep, and study ahead. Instead I am going to be a hardcore tourist in a war-torn country hitting every possible tourist site riding on a bus with armed israeli guards not a lick older than I am.

I want to hide! I am seriously cowering in my slippers! Im distracting myself at all costs... and it turns out, I've been doing that for a week now, and I hardly even realized it! I haven't thought about the trip at all.

I will be so glad when school starts again, and my life resumes some form of regularity involving class, studying, going to the gym, and cramming every possible social moment in... having awesome conversations that get more fun and more elaborate the more I learn...

Its funny how no matter how much is going right... theres always somethin'.

I spent some time in the hospital today because my cousin Shannon was just diagnosed with M.S. - that was an interesting one, I ended up falling asleep on her guest hospital bed. She is officially considered "disabled" now. The relatives were all there and it was the usual - watching football, eating pizza, constant berating jokes... I managed to sleep through a good 2 hours of that.

So what am I doing right now? I was in the middle of cleaning my room and packing... I should be excited, nay, totally pumped! I should FORCE myself to be, and believe you me, I will* get to that point. Probably my problem is just that I'm indulging my fears, making myself negative, and thereby driving myself crazy at a time where distracting myself isn't so much neutral as harmful.

You guys... wish me luck. I don't want to die, I don't want to see anyone else die, I don't want to have to deal with awkward religious situations and I don't want to get there just to find I packed all the wrong things.

Now that thats out of the way...
I can aim for being a little bit more rational about the situation.
And as it turns out, I am also ridiculously exhausted, which might have something to do with this bout of anxiety being more intense than I care to deal with.

I'm definately packing my next physics text-book to read on the bus. That should ebb my fears a bit - grounding myself with some good ol' fasioned science. Doin' some equations in my head to keep me productive.

I'm nervous and I miss school! It would be really ideal if I could fall asleep cuddling up to someone right about now. Thats right. A girl has her dreams.

I feel batty.

Eep... well goodnight you guys!
CALL ME ON THE 15th TO MAKE SURE IM ALIVE AND LEAVE ME HAPPY MESSAGES ON MY CELL PHONE WHILE I'M GONE!! haha

I think that would make me feel good when I get back - coming home to a social and academic life.

10 things I love that start with Mmmmm. Or just M.

1. Matriarchal moments. Like hallmark moments, but where I find myself miraculously in a position of power for my female prowess.
2. Marriage! Makes for a lot of adorable little fantasies on my behalf, and wonderful actualities on the behalf of Dee and Corwin
3. Mathematical Maneuvering... like how the hell did I get an A in calc? By riding the curve.
4. Melodious Monkeying! Or... making up songs in the shower!
5. Mechanics. This is a new one for me. I don't mean automechanics. I mean how all mechanized things work. Mechanical physics was fun!
6. Mmmmmmmmmoo.
7. Malignant tumors.
8. Metamorphosis; a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa and from the pupa to the adult butterfly
9. Mmmmmyou.
10. Micromanagement! Its sexy.



Mmmmm... multivariable calc, mosquito nets, mastadons, milliseconds, merry-making, municipality, messes, maniacs, motors, milk, mopeds, momentum, mechanical energy, mass extinctions, mirrors, mankind, moonlight, magnificence, and more... whats not to love about the "M"s!

Refer to Facilisfool for the assignment of your letter in the alphabet meme soup. He is also a good M, in fact.

alright you guys, its been fifteen weeks since I updated? That is a long time.

I don't remember how much of this you guys all know...
I'm in Electrical Engineering at the University of Minnesota. I'm kicking ass. I was one of the top five students in my physics class of 250, I got a perfect score on my second chemistry test, Im at the top of my calculus discussion section and my biology professor loves me.

Those are my four classes: Bio, Chem, Physics and Calc.
And I go to the gym a few times a week which was an interesting discovery.

Getting all gross and sweaty in public and not caring how terrible you look with your face turning beet red and your hair plastered to your neck even though all the other girls don't even sweat off their make-up... thats freedom, baby. haha

Finals are coming up so I'm spending pretty much all of my time studying. I'm really excited to start learning C/C ++ but I probably won't be able to get around to that until summer term. I might pick up a minor in Chemistry or double major in EE / Chem-E... but thus far that looks like a really ridiculously ambitious goal if I plan to do well in my classes.

Eventually I get to build robots... !!!!!! Which is another reason I need to start learning programming languages. I'll end up having to take scheme, which I've heard mixed reviews on... but at least I'll have done some practical programming before then (as that is what I've decided I'll devote my summer to.)

I have never, in the history of my life, been a bigger nerd than I am now.
In case any of you were wondering.
I don't go to parties. I don't drink. I don't date. I work! And I get really nerdily excited about all the science I'm learning... because holyfuckingshit I'm actually understanding all this crap that before just intimidated me!

I'm going to be a programming chemist robot building research tastic mad scientist. Mwhahahahahahahahaha... (Sci-fi = motivational.)

The other day, I was talking too loud at a coffee shop while taking a break from my chemistry homework, and a girl sitting next to me interrupted my conversation to ask me what she seemed to think was an overly blunt question, which she thought would amuse her company. She said, "Quick, tell me what the top three most important things in the world are!"

And I rattled off, right away: "Space Travel. Education. Solving world hunger."

haha. At any given moment, I might have three different ones. But education and Space travel are consistent. Scientific progress, sexy!

Then i asked her what the three most important things were. she said "... All mine are selfish... Family, Life, and Love..."

It was cute. Becuase then I gave her my "everyone is selfish" speech about how to maximize your productivity, you have to admit that you LIKE what you are doing, and if you like what you are doing, it is selfish. PS theres nothing wrong with selfishness, in fact its totally noble. haha.

But yeah... I expected her to have like... more specific answers to her own question. Hippie! You know how me and hippies don't get along...

I've noticed that in some part, my artistic side really helps me out in science. I've also noticed that the most rewarding thing ever is when the disciplines cross over; I understand chemistry better as a result of physics, physics better as a result of calculus and vice versa. Specializing will be interesting, right now I am just accumulating the "backbone" knowledge.

Which is funny because I've been studying the "backbone" of organic life for the past three days. Carbon. that shit is sooooooooo interesting! haha.


I gotta get back to homework. I love this lifestyle, but I won't lie: I am really looking forward to xmas break (where I can study at my leisure, and I can go back to reading non-assigned material that will give me more conceptual padding for the things I'll be learning in the future that are sure to rock me sideways and upside down)

I am going to Israel at the end of christmas break for 2 weeks...
oh yeah, and the guy that dumped me over the summer because he didn't think I would "succeed" in engineering...

wrote me a love-letter on tuesday.
Cute, huh? Thinks he can just "undoubt" me??? haha.

Oh, and if I have one regret from this semester:
I wish I hadn't gotten myself addicted to coffee.


How the fuck are all of you??!!!

Ok so I cowrote a play for the fringe fest y'all.

last show:
sunday August 13th at 4pm at the minneapolis playwright center 2301 franklin

10$ for students, 12$ for adults

"eating next to a rubik's cube"

Its a tribute to le future. I didn't think up the title, and I kind of think the title is stupid, but don't worry, the rest of the play is funny!

And just for the record - when you hear something ridiculous flouted as though its a life philosophy... its a joke, we promise. Some people thought maybe since we're young we meant it, and so they laughed and then reviewed us as though we were actually peddling absurdism. No, we were fully aware of the ridiculous, and it was intended to arouse laughter. Although, it is semi believable - because its the kind of absurd that people *would* believe.... which makes it even funnier!

Hope you all can make it, and like it ! :)

PS: Free Cake!

Graduation party this saturday June 10, from 4 pm to 10 pm. Stop in if you'd like, there will be food and a movie I made and live music and who knows what.

My graduation party is june 10!

You should all drop in at some point.

I'll provide more details as I figure them out. But as of now, there should be good food and me singing with a band.

For some reason I agreed to cat sit for a month... 2 more on top of the three I already have. This month also includes me finding a job, apartment searching, finals week, writing/directing/acting in a movie and a play.

I spent a good 2 hours just looking through all the classes I could take next year... I'm pretty excited. tehehehe.

Leave a comment on my livejournal and...
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

This sensation is amazing... or rather lack of sensation...

I just got back from the dentist. My entire lower jaw area is numb, spreading back into my right cheekbone and my right ear canal. That needle felt really deep... the back of my legs kept stiffening up. I can't eat for a while because I'd probably casually chew off my tongue. Which sucks - I'm damn hungry. My teeth were worked on enough that I think the set of my jaw has changed - I have a bit less of an overbite but my lower lip sticks out funny. (maybe thats the novicaine)

I can barely form sentences but if I really concentrate, I can manage to sound like a 12 year old boy with a lisp. Everytime I open my mouth I catch a piece of my cheek or tongue when I close it again. Its kind of like half of my face is made of rubber - the sensation just suddenly stops and then theres this warm, malleable material in place of actual human tissue. It makes me realize just how delicate flesh really is.

I feel like a jester... and hearing my own voice makes me feel so stupid that I can't do anything but laugh. So maybe its nap time until the numb wears off. >.>

happy/interesting/productive/educational/inspiring or otherwise marvelous Monday, April 24th 2006 to you all.

Ways to scratch "The Itch" :

Overabundant excersize
Masturbation
Reading Sci-fi
Any and all forms of Emily
Writing about scratching it
Going to my classes
Singing in front of an audience
Minesweeper or Sudoku
Painting projects
Nietszche, Sarte, Rand
Watching sad/serious/romance/suspense movies
Reading history books
Writing to-do lists
Designing inspiration CD's
Writing lyrics
Writing short stories
Singing into my camera
DDR and beautiful 80's jpop/british disco
Taking showers
Walks in the rain
Planning out my Fringe play
Planning out advertisement for my Fringe play
Writing my physics script
Daydreaming about inspiring people
Watching Anime
Collecting music for Ipod
Randomly browsing online journals
Delving into my family psyche
Going to the bar with my dad
Dancing like a hippie
Dying my hair
Learning to cook new meals
Figuring out my (goddamnfuckingshit) major
Long, meaningful conversations
short, meaningless conversations
Being the one who laughs at my jokes
etc.

Almost finished with the self portrait from hell...


<--------------hehe. A close up on my eyes shows that it looks like the right one is literally popping out of my face. There was a charming old man on Sunday in the smoking consuite who inspired this expression a few times.

I don't ever want to spend that much time fixated on my face ever again. If I was living alone I'd preform an experiment - I'd remove all of the mirrors from my house for a number of months and then I would brainstorm what comes to mind when I think of myself. Hopefully something more interesting than my face.

I'm still exhausted from this weekend... I had a lot of thinking to do, and I still do, but I'm rather demotivated and I'd like to devote another day to sleep. It gets frustrating having the same damn painting staring at me all the time - especially since its my own face caught from three different angles.

I'm recovering from an excess of sugar, smoke and compliments on my appearance and trying to reroute my focus to what I really find important - my rather solitary intellectual life. Social interaction is great but I tend to be completely absorbed by crowds and lose a lot of my self to the group mentality. I enjoy not taking myself seriously every once in a while but I start to feel like the ass end of a horse halloween costume after a while. It'll be nice next year to go home at night, or have a room to myself - solitude tends to be the best medicine for situations like that. Ocassionally re-establishing myself as a thinking being is a plus.

And of all of the addictions people have in the world - I have the most common but the most obnoxious. I always have to be chewing on something, especially if there is food available, especially if I am deprived of sleep - so I saturated my blood with sugar to the point of dizziness. I'm paying for that with monstrous cramps. I coughed up most of the tar in my lungs after a good hour of Dance Dance Revolution - and even the 3 day absense from excersize didn't seem to reduce my stamina, which is good - I'm getting stronger.

I keep recounting events from the weekend in my head - attempting to write bad poetry with Marty, laughing myself off of the bed a few times, drinking a total of 13 bottles of water, the first night with Corwin and Aliera where I really feel I got to know them better, my mandatory yearly heart-to-heart with Mike V. and of course lessons in gambling from the whole *gang*. Suddenly I had a social life- I miss you guys. hopefully we'll be able to do something in the not too distant future. If anything, my high school graduation is coming up and not long after my 18th birthday, theres Convergence but I don't know if I'll make it to that.

I'd like to spend some quality non-convention time together over the summer. Maybe even make some beautiful music.

<-----------------------------------Esther


Slept all day...

Don't have much to say.